The No Ringgit Traveler

I've lost several people in my life- aunt of liver cancer, grandfather & grandmother were about their time, another aunt of cervical cancer and a year later her husband followed, and last saturday my uncle passed away due to heart attack cause he was so tired replacing the flat tyre!

Out of all these people funeral, I attended only ONE funeral. The rest, there seems to be some miscommunication problem (well actually i was left out from being told) or just my dad refusal to tell me. Yeah how thoughtful!

But when i was a kid, i always got the chance to attend funeral and several times i ushered the dead body in the jenazah van. It wasn't a scary to me (at that time) but as we grow older we were haunted by the so-called badi or the soul will follow you back home. Weird believe. Superstitious.

Back you my latest uncle death, my emak got a phone call from ibu-

"Kak, ada berita buruk ni"

My emak was instantly speechless though ibu wasn't finish her sentenced yet. For emak believe the bad news was about me.

Ibu finished her sentence eventually but she was unable to talk much further with emak as she was in deep shock.

Took awhile for my emak to digest the call she just received.

At then end she was in relieve despite my uncle being called to rahmatullah. Her relieve was on me. Nothing bad happen on me and she will still be able to see his son.

When i called her last night, her voice still seemed stuck in her throat and swallowing hard each time she talked.

I didn't want to make her cry cause i'mm fully aware at that time she was vulnerable to pour down. Also i don't want to cry. Not the right time for as i'm keeping my momentum. Keeping my strength to live and stay much longer here without anyone i love around.

Through her tone, i know how she cares for me and how she loves me. It was my fault anyway for not calling her for almost 2 months! My only reason i got no money. I guess that shouldn't be a reason to stay connected to my family. I knew now how they worried every seconds i'm here. Besides financilly, i don't want them to know what happen to me here this 3 months- the visa problem, the unemployment. If i were to call, all these will only intensify their worrisome.

I told her, i may or may not come back this year. Not even during aidilfitri. I need more money to save for another phase of my life and to achieve a little more goals of mine. Better to tell her now rather than later cause i don't want to give her hope when she will see me. She will anticipate and when i cancel i will feel bad and she will be miserable. So i think i made the right thing.

When I finally in her arms, i want to spend every bit with her. Love doing gardening with her. Love to sit in between her legs and she massages my back. Call me a spoil brat, i like it.

The thing that i miss most is the way she layan my kesengalan (my sister labelled me) and she's my perfect my sengal partner and looking at her laughing with tears at the corner or her eyes is the best thing in the world.

Argh, i miss her.

I'll be home one day.